Please, sit back just for one second, literally I’m only asking for a second actually maybe even a millisecond. I want you to just put yourself in my shoes and imagine how heartbreaking and earth shattering it would be to lose your child. I know no one wants to and I do not wish this on anyone but you can imagine it as much as you don’t want to. In that time I bet you it was the scariest thing and yet it was just a thought, well that’s my life.
Believe me when I say this, I would NEVER be here if I had any sort of control. I didn’t ask for this. I wish I could change it all but I can’t and never could. You may think that someone could “move on” after losing someone but I can tell you right now I will never move on from Lachlan. You can say, time heals all wounds but I have already discovered thats simply not the truth. He is my son, he will forever be a HUGE part of my life. I don’t care if you don’t like that because it’s a fact. I have not woken up once in the last 284 days and felt calm or relaxed, I wake up most days panicked and anxious. I wake up everyday wishing this life was a nightmare and I could wake up from it unfortunately this is forever reality.
I would never even for a second change being able to spend those 33 weeks with our boy, to get to know him, to love him, to meet him, to hold him in all his perfection and wish I never had to let him go. Nothing changes the fact that we had to say hello and goodbye in the same day. When you lose your child you lose many pieces of yourself, a life you had already built and dreamed is gone, *poof* without your knowledge or input, it changes you A LOT.
This does not mean by any means that my son is a bad thing or something we shouldn’t talk about. He is the most amazing person I have ever met and will forever be interwoven into our family no matter if we have no living children or 10 he will be a constant part of our family. Nothing could ever change that.
Lachlan my boy, I love you unconditionally (as does daddy) and am so grateful to be called “Lachlan’s mommy”. It is the best and most amazing title I could ever ask for, I wish I could hear it out of your mouth or even anyone else’s, thank you my forever baby. You will be forever remembered, loved and cherished, I promise you that my beautiful son.